Connecting with desires

«Who wants to play? Attached male looking for something discreet and dirty. I'm very attractive, intelligent, and love to be creative and wild once mutual respect and a sense of ease is established. Looking for someone similarly hot and wild.»

I read this personal ad the other day, and made me wonder how often people can be attached and not achieve the level of intimacy they need in a relationship. I've been attached in the past, and I mean very attached, and more than once, and yes, I do remember periods when there was something lacking... not to the point to leave a relationship, but maybe near enough to take the risk to initiate a conversation, and just let things take its course.

Talking about your deepest desires and basic needs is not as simple as it sounds, we need to bear our souls, but at the same time we don't want to be judged or have our feelings trivialized. We don't want to hurt the ones we love, we don't want to make them feel that they should doubt us, we just don't want to fail, period. Yet, we have these emotions we yearn to express, and we cannot find a release to do it.

We blurry our own selves by having these inner incoherences, and we feel restless. Placing an ad might seem like a shout in the dark with the hope to alleviate the current state; and even though it might be sexual in nature, I wonder if that is really what is sought. After all, sex is just a layer of connectivity. Maybe what we truly need is to express our true desires to help us resolve our own inconsistencies. So, let me just ask: Would you consider talking to a stranger to achieve this?

So, we walk around portraying an image that may not be entirely consistent with our inner personna, and that may hurt or just make us feel uncomfortable. I don't want to pass a judgement on infidelity... I think that is a moral statement each one of us needs to answer on our own, but I do see why it might be necessary sometimes; and I say this even if I think it's unfair to the rest of us, who are unattached and would like to share a certain touch with somebody, no matter how tenuous it may be. However, what I think is fair, is that people try to find their own authenticity when relating to others.

There are certain barriers to this... mutual consensus to start. Maybe in the past it was permissible or understood that a man could find himself a mistress, or a concubine, or simply pay services with a sex professional. Now, other configurations have entered the scene like friendship with benefits or simple fuck bodies. Personally, I would always prefer an unattached man even if it was for a casual fling. The main reason is again, that I wish to have that authenticity for myself. Maybe I wouldn't be looking for a relationship at all, but at least I want that moment for me and for me alone. Selfish, I know... but I prefer not to have an inner conflict.
Going back to our attached male, I wonder if just talking about his unfulfilled desires would help him regain that connectivity to his loved one... Maybe he'll recover the perspective he needs to feel authentic again. I truly hope he does...

So, who wants to play?

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The traveling saleswoman

Something about drinking Californian wine in the not so literal sense...

Every evening, after I finish all my usual stuff at home, I sit in front of the computer and start my regular rounds to a number of websites... one of them is a discussion group mostly frequented by women of different ages where topics are fairly general, but in a cheeky girlish kind of way. So, I've been posting there for quite some time and I've made a few friends, some of which, I chat with every now and then.

One of these friends is a woman in her 30s, extremely attractive from what I can see in her pictures, almost the type you would find in a Playboy centerfold. She tells me she's a salesperson living in Napa Valley, California, and that she travels quite a bit with her job. I think, good wine and traveling around are generally considered good things. So, we continue chatting, and she mentions that she loves coming to Montreal, but that when she travels to Canada, she usually goes to Toronto. "Well," I say, "next time take the train to Montreal and you can stay at my place, just bring some of that good Californian wine."

She likes the idea, and then she starts talking about her little misdemeanors when she comes to Canada. I don't want to be too explicit here, but it's got to see with circumcision, and she starts asking me a series of questions on the subject. I answer to the best of my abilities, which unfortunately are not that extensive mostly because I'd been married until recently. She keeps going on with the subject... apparently it's something she thinks about a lot. She asks me questions about what kind of men I find attractive, whether I've been with a woman before, and other personal stuff that I better not mention.

So, I try to keep my cool and a casual attitude rather than sound like the prude I am compared to this woman. In fact, I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed by the frankness of the conversation. I find it astonishing that I'm able to share such intimate details with this woman... something I would find very difficult to do with a man; but I'm arrested by the conversation, and in spite of feeling certain uneasiness, I continue chatting with her without even attempting to change the topic.

Then, she starts complimenting me in different ways... she tells me that she likes how I think, that she's seen my pics posted in the website, and that she thinks I have very nice legs, and that when she makes it to Montreal, maybe we could drink a couple of glasses of her wine, possibly not entirely in the literal sense. All of a sudden, I feel like I've been connected to the wall plug beside the computer, and it takes me a little while to get over the shock; then, for some inexplicable reason I say "Sure, I'd love to try that Californian wine!" "Great," she says, "I'll get in touch with you as soon as I know when I'm coming to Montreal!"

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That cup of coffee

"Let's have a coffee or something..." is such a simple invitation, yet it may imply so much, and when this happens, the stress is on that something, whatever it is, and not so much on the cup of coffee.

So, I'm finished with work and I go back home feeling a little tired... I have a cold plus the cutting wind, the chilly weather, and the heavy snow make a good combination for feeling somewhat miserable; my only wish right now is to go straight to bed. I don't waste time and go home, and as soon as I get there, I get into comfy clothes, I fix myself something warm to eat, watch TV a little while, and fall asleep like a baby right on the couch. I wake up really late in the morning... sure why not, it's Saturday, and a true day to sleep in and feel warm under the covers.

I finally decide to get up, and I make myself some coffee while I sit in front of the computer to check my mail. I'm sipping from my cup, and I'm enjoying my coffee, it tastes so good... Then, I see a familiar name popping up on Messenger. I think I need to explain here... I met this guy almost a year ago, and at the time, it just felt right to spend sometime together. We both were looking for the same thing, didn't want to embark in anything complicated, so one thing led to another fairly quickly. He and I were strikingly different in almost every sense, but we had a weird connection that is somewhat difficult to explain... we shared a difficult past experience, nothing traumatizing, but significant. Then, it was extremely peculiar that we both had a similar physical mark, and that only increased the strange attraction we felt for each other.

We ended up having a short-lived, but very intense affair, and there were moments I swear I could see fireworks over my heaad when I spent time with this guy. Still, we never told each other how we felt, mostly because the whole thing was supposed to be casual anyway... he was moving to Toronto soon, so it was better just to enjoy the moment. He did move out of Montreal eventually, the affair ended, and things went cold for a while; but there we were... chatting.

At the end of the year, I usually spend a few days in Toronto with some friends that I've known for years; so he said that maybe we could go out for a coffee or something... with a stress on the something of course. It's ironic how sometimes things go unspoken, but you know they're there drumming so loud. My only thought was that if I went to Toronto, it would be a little embarrassing to disappear for a couple of days while staying at my friends'.

My plans got derailed with a stupid cold that kept me in bed for at least four days. Then the snow came, or actually more of it, while I was at my worst. My car was parked in the backyard, and now I had to shovel some 25 meters of snow before I could even attempt to drive the car... first out of the backyard, through the back alley and on to the street. It seems like my car is going to stayed parked there burried under the snow until the spring.

So, the Toronto guy pops up again on Messenger, and I explain to him that there's no way I can leave Montreal. He's somewhat dissapointed, or so I think... the truth is that I couldn't tell for sure. This is one of those male things that I've never been able to figure out. I could only sense it because I've seen the patterns of when he's annoyed, bored, interested, whatever. At the end, I don't think it matters much, the fact is that we won't be able to share that cup of coffee.

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