The meaning of emotion

A very intense experience may create an emotional meaning, which may affect us positively or negatively later in life...

When I was in college, I was playing it smart and focusing almost entirely on school work for the first two years, but then, all of a sudden something clicked, and my interest in men emerged like a tornado. I didn't even have a boyfriend then, so I asked a friend to do me the "favour", which he did very happily. Unfortunately, things didn't go too well with him... we were friends, we had bargained for more that we could handle, and at the end we ended up losing the friendship without ever becoming a couple. So, lesson one learned there.

Then, the soccer player made an appearance... my very first relationship. He was a couple of years older than me, and a very popular guy in college. He was fun to be with, and I mean for everyone... he was witty, and handsome, and I can't remember what else. We were all the time together, and he was quite fond of me as a person, and more specifically of my body; but we both lived with our respective parents, so our chances of being intimate were rare.

However, we did managed to go out together every now and then... we went to college parties often, and generally, it was me who danced with other guys mostly because he wasn't very much into that. One evening, he picked me up to go to one of those parties; the ambience was very animated when we got there, and for us it went the usual way... we greeted everyone, we went together to mingle with his friends, then I would leave sporadically to talk to my friends. In between, I would also dance but with somebody else.

When I was dancing with whoever, I could notice my guy peeking on me persistently. I would go and talk to him to check if everything was alright, and he just smiled and assured me that everything was okay. So, I would just keep entertaining myself while he was fooling around with his friends. Then, the party became really loud... everyone was having fun, I was dancing, and he appeared from behind and held my waist gently and asked me to come with him. I sort of gave a good bye smile to the guy I was dancing with, took my boyfriend's hand and followed without asking.

He took me out of the party, and told me to get in the car, which I did. I felt completely safe with him, we had strong feelings for each other, and we had already been intimate. So, he drives around the neighbourhood, and I'm just there smiling, knowing all too well the reason why he took me out of the party. He finally decides to park under a tree on a quiet street. I'm sure he thought the shade was not going to betray our presence from the street lights. So, he starts kissing me, and I kissed him back, and I could feel the sexual tension rising (literally I guess) with every second that passed. Then, he stopped, and asked me to go to the back of the car. I was such a lamb back then, and I just did as told.

I was wearing heels and a nice skirt, so that sort of simplified things. So, I sat on the back seat and looked at him with a smile while he was getting in the car while shutting the door behind him. I just lied on my back on the seat with my legs slightly spread. He wasn't smiling alright, but he was undoing his belt trying to get his pants down. He then reached under my skirt, and noticed my panties, and just took them off and threw them away somewhere in the car. He was definitely enjoying it to the point of becoming completely unaware of the surroundings. I was also enjoying it, but as it's so often the case with younger women, I was enjoying the intimacy much more so than the sex. I could see the windows starting to get foggy with the heavy breathing, and I remember thinking that that could give us away, but then he started kissing me again, and I got lost in the moment once more.

We must've been into it for about 10 minutes, the windows were so damp, and the air was rare... then someone opened the door and I saw my boyfriend pulling away from me. Outside, I saw four armed men with guns and machine guns surrounding my guy, and I'm there sitting in the back of the car pretty much with my legs wide open. I pull down my skirt and looked for my panties... I saw them on the floor, but I didn't dare to move. One of the men asked me to get out of the car, I did and I stood right beside of my boyfriend. We were both scared to death, and for a moment, I thought they were going to kill my boyfriend and rape me, but we both managed to stay calm. Then one of the men asked for the car keys, my boyfriend gave them to him without saying a word, then the four men with their guns got inside the car and drove away with my panties.

It was quite a bonding experience I must say. I'm sure we must've turned the trauma into something more pleasurable because after that, something else clicked inside me and I started to enjoy sex with him like never before. There was something else that joined us and made us one somehow, we even managed to synchronize sensations without even talking to each other, and most of the time we ended simultaneously. I don't know what it was really... maybe it was fear, the circumstances of the incident, the fact that we actually cared for each other, or perhaps a combination of everything. Frankly, I don't remember the fear anymore, I just remember him and all the pleasure we had together plus all the inexplicable meaning of that unbridled emotion.

More...

Connecting with desires

«Who wants to play? Attached male looking for something discreet and dirty. I'm very attractive, intelligent, and love to be creative and wild once mutual respect and a sense of ease is established. Looking for someone similarly hot and wild.»

I read this personal ad the other day, and made me wonder how often people can be attached and not achieve the level of intimacy they need in a relationship. I've been attached in the past, and I mean very attached, and more than once, and yes, I do remember periods when there was something lacking... not to the point to leave a relationship, but maybe near enough to take the risk to initiate a conversation, and just let things take its course.

Talking about your deepest desires and basic needs is not as simple as it sounds, we need to bear our souls, but at the same time we don't want to be judged or have our feelings trivialized. We don't want to hurt the ones we love, we don't want to make them feel that they should doubt us, we just don't want to fail, period. Yet, we have these emotions we yearn to express, and we cannot find a release to do it.

We blurry our own selves by having these inner incoherences, and we feel restless. Placing an ad might seem like a shout in the dark with the hope to alleviate the current state; and even though it might be sexual in nature, I wonder if that is really what is sought. After all, sex is just a layer of connectivity. Maybe what we truly need is to express our true desires to help us resolve our own inconsistencies. So, let me just ask: Would you consider talking to a stranger to achieve this?

So, we walk around portraying an image that may not be entirely consistent with our inner personna, and that may hurt or just make us feel uncomfortable. I don't want to pass a judgement on infidelity... I think that is a moral statement each one of us needs to answer on our own, but I do see why it might be necessary sometimes; and I say this even if I think it's unfair to the rest of us, who are unattached and would like to share a certain touch with somebody, no matter how tenuous it may be. However, what I think is fair, is that people try to find their own authenticity when relating to others.

There are certain barriers to this... mutual consensus to start. Maybe in the past it was permissible or understood that a man could find himself a mistress, or a concubine, or simply pay services with a sex professional. Now, other configurations have entered the scene like friendship with benefits or simple fuck bodies. Personally, I would always prefer an unattached man even if it was for a casual fling. The main reason is again, that I wish to have that authenticity for myself. Maybe I wouldn't be looking for a relationship at all, but at least I want that moment for me and for me alone. Selfish, I know... but I prefer not to have an inner conflict.
Going back to our attached male, I wonder if just talking about his unfulfilled desires would help him regain that connectivity to his loved one... Maybe he'll recover the perspective he needs to feel authentic again. I truly hope he does...

So, who wants to play?

More...

That cup of coffee

"Let's have a coffee or something..." is such a simple invitation, yet it may imply so much, and when this happens, the stress is on that something, whatever it is, and not so much on the cup of coffee.

So, I'm finished with work and I go back home feeling a little tired... I have a cold plus the cutting wind, the chilly weather, and the heavy snow make a good combination for feeling somewhat miserable; my only wish right now is to go straight to bed. I don't waste time and go home, and as soon as I get there, I get into comfy clothes, I fix myself something warm to eat, watch TV a little while, and fall asleep like a baby right on the couch. I wake up really late in the morning... sure why not, it's Saturday, and a true day to sleep in and feel warm under the covers.

I finally decide to get up, and I make myself some coffee while I sit in front of the computer to check my mail. I'm sipping from my cup, and I'm enjoying my coffee, it tastes so good... Then, I see a familiar name popping up on Messenger. I think I need to explain here... I met this guy almost a year ago, and at the time, it just felt right to spend sometime together. We both were looking for the same thing, didn't want to embark in anything complicated, so one thing led to another fairly quickly. He and I were strikingly different in almost every sense, but we had a weird connection that is somewhat difficult to explain... we shared a difficult past experience, nothing traumatizing, but significant. Then, it was extremely peculiar that we both had a similar physical mark, and that only increased the strange attraction we felt for each other.

We ended up having a short-lived, but very intense affair, and there were moments I swear I could see fireworks over my heaad when I spent time with this guy. Still, we never told each other how we felt, mostly because the whole thing was supposed to be casual anyway... he was moving to Toronto soon, so it was better just to enjoy the moment. He did move out of Montreal eventually, the affair ended, and things went cold for a while; but there we were... chatting.

At the end of the year, I usually spend a few days in Toronto with some friends that I've known for years; so he said that maybe we could go out for a coffee or something... with a stress on the something of course. It's ironic how sometimes things go unspoken, but you know they're there drumming so loud. My only thought was that if I went to Toronto, it would be a little embarrassing to disappear for a couple of days while staying at my friends'.

My plans got derailed with a stupid cold that kept me in bed for at least four days. Then the snow came, or actually more of it, while I was at my worst. My car was parked in the backyard, and now I had to shovel some 25 meters of snow before I could even attempt to drive the car... first out of the backyard, through the back alley and on to the street. It seems like my car is going to stayed parked there burried under the snow until the spring.

So, the Toronto guy pops up again on Messenger, and I explain to him that there's no way I can leave Montreal. He's somewhat dissapointed, or so I think... the truth is that I couldn't tell for sure. This is one of those male things that I've never been able to figure out. I could only sense it because I've seen the patterns of when he's annoyed, bored, interested, whatever. At the end, I don't think it matters much, the fact is that we won't be able to share that cup of coffee.

More...