The meaning of emotion

A very intense experience may create an emotional meaning, which may affect us positively or negatively later in life...

When I was in college, I was playing it smart and focusing almost entirely on school work for the first two years, but then, all of a sudden something clicked, and my interest in men emerged like a tornado. I didn't even have a boyfriend then, so I asked a friend to do me the "favour", which he did very happily. Unfortunately, things didn't go too well with him... we were friends, we had bargained for more that we could handle, and at the end we ended up losing the friendship without ever becoming a couple. So, lesson one learned there.

Then, the soccer player made an appearance... my very first relationship. He was a couple of years older than me, and a very popular guy in college. He was fun to be with, and I mean for everyone... he was witty, and handsome, and I can't remember what else. We were all the time together, and he was quite fond of me as a person, and more specifically of my body; but we both lived with our respective parents, so our chances of being intimate were rare.

However, we did managed to go out together every now and then... we went to college parties often, and generally, it was me who danced with other guys mostly because he wasn't very much into that. One evening, he picked me up to go to one of those parties; the ambience was very animated when we got there, and for us it went the usual way... we greeted everyone, we went together to mingle with his friends, then I would leave sporadically to talk to my friends. In between, I would also dance but with somebody else.

When I was dancing with whoever, I could notice my guy peeking on me persistently. I would go and talk to him to check if everything was alright, and he just smiled and assured me that everything was okay. So, I would just keep entertaining myself while he was fooling around with his friends. Then, the party became really loud... everyone was having fun, I was dancing, and he appeared from behind and held my waist gently and asked me to come with him. I sort of gave a good bye smile to the guy I was dancing with, took my boyfriend's hand and followed without asking.

He took me out of the party, and told me to get in the car, which I did. I felt completely safe with him, we had strong feelings for each other, and we had already been intimate. So, he drives around the neighbourhood, and I'm just there smiling, knowing all too well the reason why he took me out of the party. He finally decides to park under a tree on a quiet street. I'm sure he thought the shade was not going to betray our presence from the street lights. So, he starts kissing me, and I kissed him back, and I could feel the sexual tension rising (literally I guess) with every second that passed. Then, he stopped, and asked me to go to the back of the car. I was such a lamb back then, and I just did as told.

I was wearing heels and a nice skirt, so that sort of simplified things. So, I sat on the back seat and looked at him with a smile while he was getting in the car while shutting the door behind him. I just lied on my back on the seat with my legs slightly spread. He wasn't smiling alright, but he was undoing his belt trying to get his pants down. He then reached under my skirt, and noticed my panties, and just took them off and threw them away somewhere in the car. He was definitely enjoying it to the point of becoming completely unaware of the surroundings. I was also enjoying it, but as it's so often the case with younger women, I was enjoying the intimacy much more so than the sex. I could see the windows starting to get foggy with the heavy breathing, and I remember thinking that that could give us away, but then he started kissing me again, and I got lost in the moment once more.

We must've been into it for about 10 minutes, the windows were so damp, and the air was rare... then someone opened the door and I saw my boyfriend pulling away from me. Outside, I saw four armed men with guns and machine guns surrounding my guy, and I'm there sitting in the back of the car pretty much with my legs wide open. I pull down my skirt and looked for my panties... I saw them on the floor, but I didn't dare to move. One of the men asked me to get out of the car, I did and I stood right beside of my boyfriend. We were both scared to death, and for a moment, I thought they were going to kill my boyfriend and rape me, but we both managed to stay calm. Then one of the men asked for the car keys, my boyfriend gave them to him without saying a word, then the four men with their guns got inside the car and drove away with my panties.

It was quite a bonding experience I must say. I'm sure we must've turned the trauma into something more pleasurable because after that, something else clicked inside me and I started to enjoy sex with him like never before. There was something else that joined us and made us one somehow, we even managed to synchronize sensations without even talking to each other, and most of the time we ended simultaneously. I don't know what it was really... maybe it was fear, the circumstances of the incident, the fact that we actually cared for each other, or perhaps a combination of everything. Frankly, I don't remember the fear anymore, I just remember him and all the pleasure we had together plus all the inexplicable meaning of that unbridled emotion.

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Connecting with desires

«Who wants to play? Attached male looking for something discreet and dirty. I'm very attractive, intelligent, and love to be creative and wild once mutual respect and a sense of ease is established. Looking for someone similarly hot and wild.»

I read this personal ad the other day, and made me wonder how often people can be attached and not achieve the level of intimacy they need in a relationship. I've been attached in the past, and I mean very attached, and more than once, and yes, I do remember periods when there was something lacking... not to the point to leave a relationship, but maybe near enough to take the risk to initiate a conversation, and just let things take its course.

Talking about your deepest desires and basic needs is not as simple as it sounds, we need to bear our souls, but at the same time we don't want to be judged or have our feelings trivialized. We don't want to hurt the ones we love, we don't want to make them feel that they should doubt us, we just don't want to fail, period. Yet, we have these emotions we yearn to express, and we cannot find a release to do it.

We blurry our own selves by having these inner incoherences, and we feel restless. Placing an ad might seem like a shout in the dark with the hope to alleviate the current state; and even though it might be sexual in nature, I wonder if that is really what is sought. After all, sex is just a layer of connectivity. Maybe what we truly need is to express our true desires to help us resolve our own inconsistencies. So, let me just ask: Would you consider talking to a stranger to achieve this?

So, we walk around portraying an image that may not be entirely consistent with our inner personna, and that may hurt or just make us feel uncomfortable. I don't want to pass a judgement on infidelity... I think that is a moral statement each one of us needs to answer on our own, but I do see why it might be necessary sometimes; and I say this even if I think it's unfair to the rest of us, who are unattached and would like to share a certain touch with somebody, no matter how tenuous it may be. However, what I think is fair, is that people try to find their own authenticity when relating to others.

There are certain barriers to this... mutual consensus to start. Maybe in the past it was permissible or understood that a man could find himself a mistress, or a concubine, or simply pay services with a sex professional. Now, other configurations have entered the scene like friendship with benefits or simple fuck bodies. Personally, I would always prefer an unattached man even if it was for a casual fling. The main reason is again, that I wish to have that authenticity for myself. Maybe I wouldn't be looking for a relationship at all, but at least I want that moment for me and for me alone. Selfish, I know... but I prefer not to have an inner conflict.
Going back to our attached male, I wonder if just talking about his unfulfilled desires would help him regain that connectivity to his loved one... Maybe he'll recover the perspective he needs to feel authentic again. I truly hope he does...

So, who wants to play?

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Music: Caetano Veloso in "Talk to Her"

If you listen to Caetano Veloso in "Talk to Her", chances are that you would never trace his style to British rock...

As a young musician during the 60s, Caetano was politically involved, and his activism had him arrested during the military dictatorship in Brazil. That made him move to London where he lived a few years in exile, and then returned to Brazil in 1972. Asked about his experience in London, Caetano said, "London felt dark, and I felt far away from myself." However, he improved his music there while working with British music producers. He's been labelled one of the greatest songwriters of the century even though he sings mostly in Portuguese.

Caetano appeared in "Talk to Her", one of Pedro Almodóvar's films, where he performed "Cucurrucucú Paloma", a Mexican folk song about longing for a lost love. This is arguably the most emotional rendition of the song ever, and a definite theme for the story of the film which revolves around the difficulties of communication between the sexes, loneliness and intimacy, secrets and infidelity, and the persistence of love beyond loss.

The actresses who work with Almodóvar are labelled "Almodóvar's women", which I find somewhat ironic because most of them are beautiful women like Victoria Abril, Penélope Cruz, and Almodóvar is a well advertised gay figure. Maybe that is why he's been so successful in his directing career; he always seems to find a space where love is immaculate no matter the circumstances, and that is a beautiful thing...

Dicen que por las noches
no más se le iba en puro llorar;
dicen que no comía,
no más se le iba en puro tomar.
Juran que el mismo cielo
se estremecía al oír su llanto,
cómo sufrió por ella,
y hasta en su muerte la fue llamando:

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay cantaba,
ay, ay, ay, ay, ay gemía,
ay, ay, ay, ay, ay cantaba,
de pasión mortal moría.

Que una paloma triste
muy de mañana le va a cantar
a la casita sola
con sus puertitas de par en par;
juran que esa paloma
no es otra cosa más que su alma,
que todavía espera
a que regrese la desdichada.

Cucurrucucú paloma, cucurrucucú no llores.
Las piedras jamás, paloma,
qué van a saber de amores?

Cucurrucucú, cucurrucucú,
cucurrucucú, cucurrucucú,
cucurrucucú, paloma, ya no le llores.

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The search for love

What are your chances of finding true love in life? Maybe being a hopeless romantic is not a lost cause after all when the search for true love is approached with a certain strategy...

Depending on your personal persuasion, and if you're really serious about finding true love, you may decide to learn from religious advice; or to consult an astrologist that will ask you a number of questions for a fee; or possibly consider counseling of some sort, which undoubtedly take you to the realization that the problem lies in yourself and not on others, and this, at a considerable expense. Then there's also that important aspect of beauty. Wouldn't it be nice to find love in someone who's considered above 8 in the beauty scale? I'm sure you all have examples of celebrities that would fit this quality, so I won't even bother in mentioning names here.

And we all know how things are these days with internet dating. I don't know about you my male friends, but I think it's fantastic. I sit at home, in front of my computer, usually late at night in my pj's and really, not looking hot at all, and I usually find someone I like in just a few clicks. Ok, I grant it, my odds as a female are a lot higher just by the sheer disproportion between men and women in some of the sites I visit.

This brings me to another point. You try to maximize your chances by looking in the right places... I heard of a matching site exclusive to fit and beautiful people, and maybe some of you might want to give it a try, but not me... not that I fit the bill in the first place, apparently the site has only just over a thousand members, but there's something eerie about being picked only by your looks. It just doesn't feel right... Would you date someone who's considerably more attractive than you are? You begin to reckon so many things... For instance: Will this person leave me for someone more attractive? Does this person have deep emotional problems that I should know about? Is this person hiding something? Oh yes, those feelings of insecurity and aversion to risk start boiling in your head.

Maybe some of you had the chance to see the movie "A Beautiful Mind", a story about John Forbes Nash, a mathematician and economist, who had something to say about how we build strategies to find love by applying game theory concepts. Just take a look at the explanation given in the movie.

So, the scene basically makes the point for a stag hunt with all the guys at the pub, so they can all get laid by not choosing the stunning blonde in the group of girls that just stepped in. Wow, it seems that for the girl in the movie, being the prettiest meant being the loneliest.

Now, that was a strategy designed for the sole purpose of getting laid, but finding true love in life is definitely a higher endeavour... but before we should take some time in defining what true love is. I'm sure this might mean different things for different people, but one thing is for sure... unless we're impossibly narcissistic, we would need somebody else for true love to happen. So realistically, maybe we should consider that we can only find true love with someone who's willing to date us. If you have a better idea, please let me know.

Of course, when you do this there's always the ubiquitous time factor. You simply cannot look forever for your perfect love, but you can't pick the first one that comes along because really, you figure that you'll miss a better chance if you do that. You might get lucky if you decide your first date is your true love, but that's a big risk. On the other hand if you wait too long, the pool of possibilities can only get smaller because potential mates settle with somebody else and they are not available anymore.

I suppose the practical question is how many dates or relationships should you end before you settle with the one. And with this, let me just clear out that at no point you should be accepting a choice that is relatively worse than those you dated before. I guess, the question becomes one of whether you'll make a decision to settle at some point. Well, I figure you can see where this is going, and even though it's only science, it might be worth considering it when you pick a potential partner.

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El Che, Maradona & Christina

The 60's in North America and in Europe were, to some extent, filled with social change with rock and roll, the civil rights movement, flower power, women's liberation, etc. Maybe you can fill the blanks better because this was completely outside of my periphery. During that time, Latin America was also experiencing great changes, but very different...

For the first time in history, there was a sprouting middle class, something that had never existed before in the region. The 60's were also the years of the ideal of a revolution vested in the figure of the Che Guevara. Yeah, Obama sounds like a Messiah these days, but I doubt he can compare to the ideals el Che embodied for all Latin Americans.

After the Cuban revolution, Argentine revolutionaries were trying very hard to lead their country into the revolutionary path. Only problem was that there were not very many recruits. So, they decided to focus on getting the money to fund their revolution first. They staged a series of spectacular kidnappings in different parts of South America, and ended up collecting millions of dollars. All this has become public by the way, and I can provide sources if you're interested. But still there were no many recruits in Argentina to conduct the final offensive against the military regime they had at the time. Havana suggested that the best would be to invest the money until the right time came. With some Jewish connections between Buenos Aires and New York, the Argentines invested the money in no other place than the New York Stock Exchange. Now, how's that for an irony...

The 80's came and there were still no signs of a sizeable revolutionary army in Argentina. In the mean time, civil wars were being waged in Central America... you might remember the Sandinistas in Nicaragua, and the guerrilla in El Salvador during the Reagan administration . So, Havana called the Argentines, and the Central Americans to a round table. At the end, what they wanted to do is to give the Argentine money to the Central Americans, and they did. This is how an army of 5000 guerrillas managed to wage war to an army of 100,000 backed by the US gov't in El Salvador; and how the Sandinistas managed to repel the Contra offensive organized by the US.

Argentines are an interesting bunch. Their country is the motherland of el Che and Maradona. Whenever the Argentinean soccer team plays, its fans will bring a humongous banner depicting those bigger-than-life figures. But really, with all the hoopla of the US election, almost two years, a lot of people didn't notice that a woman had been elected president in Argentina, her name is Christina Fernandez. Not long ago, she spent a few days in Havana to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Cuban revolution. Fidel's health is very frail these days, but he managed to have this picture taken with Christina.

Cubans are somewhat excited with the election of Obama... I doubt Fidel will be a lot longer with us, and to me it means that the two conditions necessary to lift the US embargo are finally in place. A Democrat in office and Fidel pretty much out of the picture. Add the cathalyst of Christina in the equation, and you may see where this is going. This after 50 years... that has been a long wait.

So, I don't know... maybe things look awfully grim in some parts of the world these days, but I can see some signs of improvement in other regions.

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Movie: Amélie

Jean-Pierre Jeunet is probably better known as a sci-fi director with titles like "Alien Resurrection" under his belt. Nothing could be farther from that genre than this delicious movie...

Musical score "Le vals d'Amélie Poulin" in "Amélie" (2002)

Amélie tell us the placid, yet colourful life of Amélie Poulin on the streets of Paris. The true Paris may not be the same as the one shown in the movie, but this takes nothing from the magical life that Amélie has constructed for herself. I am no fan of romantic films, but this one is beautifully executed in cinematographic language that needs no words, if not, try to count the words Amélie and Nino, her love interest, exchange in the movie.

If possible, try to see the original French version under the name of "Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulin" to catch the musicality of the film, and just as a sample, here you have the score "Le vals d'Amélie" with some of the beautiful background scenes...

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Music: Kam Dhillon

This is just wicked Asian groove played by Kam Dhillon...

Dhillon is currently based in the UK. No need to understand the lyrics to get the funk. I think this has been the theme with a lot of the Bollywood movies I had the chance to see lately. There's always an important scene with music and dancing. If not, just take a look at some of the popular Bollywood movies that have emerged lately... films like "Bend It Like Beckham" and "Monsoon Wedding".

I simply adore this films, and maybe there's a reason why... I was wandering once in the Plaza Mayor in Madrid, and stepped into a tavern. I was ecstatic... It was full on a Sunday night... mostly men and a few women, there was loud flamenco music, and some men were actually dancing on the tables. They were older and really, a little chubby, but still, they looked so happy that you couldn't help but admire.

Maybe that's the reason why I like to see Bollywood films these days... yeah, women dance on those films... and quite nicely I'd say, but also men participate in the choreography, and they all seem happy to do it, so I enjoy it as well.

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The traveling saleswoman

Something about drinking Californian wine in the not so literal sense...

Every evening, after I finish all my usual stuff at home, I sit in front of the computer and start my regular rounds to a number of websites... one of them is a discussion group mostly frequented by women of different ages where topics are fairly general, but in a cheeky girlish kind of way. So, I've been posting there for quite some time and I've made a few friends, some of which, I chat with every now and then.

One of these friends is a woman in her 30s, extremely attractive from what I can see in her pictures, almost the type you would find in a Playboy centerfold. She tells me she's a salesperson living in Napa Valley, California, and that she travels quite a bit with her job. I think, good wine and traveling around are generally considered good things. So, we continue chatting, and she mentions that she loves coming to Montreal, but that when she travels to Canada, she usually goes to Toronto. "Well," I say, "next time take the train to Montreal and you can stay at my place, just bring some of that good Californian wine."

She likes the idea, and then she starts talking about her little misdemeanors when she comes to Canada. I don't want to be too explicit here, but it's got to see with circumcision, and she starts asking me a series of questions on the subject. I answer to the best of my abilities, which unfortunately are not that extensive mostly because I'd been married until recently. She keeps going on with the subject... apparently it's something she thinks about a lot. She asks me questions about what kind of men I find attractive, whether I've been with a woman before, and other personal stuff that I better not mention.

So, I try to keep my cool and a casual attitude rather than sound like the prude I am compared to this woman. In fact, I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed by the frankness of the conversation. I find it astonishing that I'm able to share such intimate details with this woman... something I would find very difficult to do with a man; but I'm arrested by the conversation, and in spite of feeling certain uneasiness, I continue chatting with her without even attempting to change the topic.

Then, she starts complimenting me in different ways... she tells me that she likes how I think, that she's seen my pics posted in the website, and that she thinks I have very nice legs, and that when she makes it to Montreal, maybe we could drink a couple of glasses of her wine, possibly not entirely in the literal sense. All of a sudden, I feel like I've been connected to the wall plug beside the computer, and it takes me a little while to get over the shock; then, for some inexplicable reason I say "Sure, I'd love to try that Californian wine!" "Great," she says, "I'll get in touch with you as soon as I know when I'm coming to Montreal!"

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The lap dance

I sometimes find it very telling how porn culture has made it into main stream. Heather Mallick, an English professor at University of Toronto, tells us that you can have a sense of humour about something vile or about something harmless, but it is difficult when it's a bit of both.

Porn is so much with us in our daily lives that we don't notice it; but the fact is that porn culture has undeniably made its way into the language we use day to day, advertising and other media visuals and even in the way we behave at office parties and in bed.

A lawyer friend of mine once told me of a hearing she had... The grievor was a man who alleged that a coworker assaulted him - his story was that she sat on his lap so hard she crushed his nuts. When my friend asked him if he had any medical reports to show the extent of this crushing injury, he said no, but his mother and his sister could give evidence about the bruising. My friend was having a ball during the hearing - not his exactly - and she was expecting to get the details out in direct examination, but unfortunately the hearing didn't end up going there. I just wondered what the crushed-nut guy was looking for in terms of compensation. If I'm not mistaken, men usually pay for that type of "assault" in establishments where lap dancing is offered.

Lap-dancing has been perfectly legal in Canada since the mid 90s, when a Canadian court exonerated the owner and manager of an Ontario club featuring lap dancers on the basis that lap dancing did not contravene laws on public decency. The ruling went as far as defining what lap dancing was for legal purposes. Moral inclinations or persuations are a whole different matter that, fortunatelly, are usually separated from legal matters in Canada. So, if you're a guy not inclined to pay for one, maybe you can ask nicely and get one for free.

And in case you're a girl, and if you're enough, now there are even books written on how women can give one. I don't know about the women who lap-dance for a living, but from where I stand, it sounds rather fun to tease a guy with this, especially if you enjoy dancing in general. So, I gathered a few tips that could come handy sometime, and just in case you're curious, here's a link appropriately titled lap dancing moves with some nice explanations.

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Music: Celia Cruz

Celia Cruz, la guarachera de Cuba, died in 2003, but her fans vow to make her live forever as their true and only Queen.

One of her last hits, was a tune shown in a YouTube video that you can see by clicking just here. I doubt a video like that could've been shot in the US, so thumbs up to the city of Madrid for letting it happen. The embedding features in YouTube have been disabled for every copy there... too little cloth I imagine.

Still, I found "La Negra Tiene Tumbao" in a different site. I have to say that what I find most interesting in the video is the portrayal of men (and woman), who can't help themselves but to surrender to the amazing cat walk.

Celia Cruz has been labelled the most influencial female Cuban artist, and rightly so. Not the stereotype of today's female singers wearing skimpy outfits with a troupe of dancers in the background trying to fill in the spectacle. I had the fortune to be at one of her concerts a few years back... she got on stage alone, no dancers, no back singers, an imposing woman in her sixties, a smile you could see at the very back, and that voice of thunder pulsating rhythm that commanded the audience to follow her. Very special indeed. That was a street concert on a rainy day, but some 100,000 souls still showed up to see her. She kept singing, even under the rain, and the sea of umbrellas opened up and kept moving to the rhythm.

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Book: The Tale of the Rose

«Every morning on the bridge, Ricardo Viñes, the pianist with hands like a dove's wings, would say in my ear, "Consuelo, you are not a woman."

I would laugh and kiss his cheeks, pushing back his long mustache that sometimes made me sneeze. He would then go through all the rituals of Spanish courtesy, wishing me a good morning, inquiring about my dreams, inviting me to enjoy this new day of our journey to Buenos Aires. And every day I wondered what Don Ricardo could possibly mean by his little morning greeting.

Am I an angel, then? An animal? Do I not exist?" I asked him fiercely at last.»

This is how "The Tale of the Rose" starts, a book written by Consuelo de Saint-Exupéry, wife of the famous author who inmortalized Consuelo as the Prince's beloved Rose in "Le Petit Prince": «Tu ne seras plus jamais une rose avec des épines mais la princesse de rêve qui attend toujours» said the little prince to the rose... you will never be a thorny rose but the princess of my dreams, who is always waiting.

Consuelo de Saint-Exupéry (1901-1979), née Suncín Sandoval, was born in Armenia, a small town in El Salvador. She was the daughter of wealthy parents, who spared no means in providing her with a good education abroad in the United States, Mexico and France. While in Paris, she met her first husband, Enrique Gómez Carrillo, an Argentinean consul in Paris, who died in 1927. She then moved to Buenos Aires with a group of French writers invited by the president of Argentina.

Meanwhile, Antoine had been building a successful aviation career, and he had become one of the pioneers of international postal flight, in the days when aircraft had few instruments. He worked with Aéropostale, Courrier du Sud, and while in Argentina, he worked with Aeropostal Argentina. Consuelo met Antoine at a party in the lounge of the Alliance Française in Buenos Aires, and very soon they began a torrid affair that followed with their marriage in Nice in 1931.

Their marriage was tempestuous... Antoine's constant absences and extramarital affairs made Consuelo explode in surrealistic scenes full of jelousy. She was naive, passionate, nervous and egotistical all at the same time, but the inconditional love she felt for her husband was undeniable. She recognized Antoine's weakness, a man who couldn't resist the adulation of other women, but she made him paid for every indiscretion with her temperamental spurts, and yet, Antoine admitted that he couldn't write without his wife's support and inspiration.

In 1943 Antoine wrote "Le Petit Prince", immortalizing Consuelo as the Prince's beloved Rose, too proud and thorny to admit her pain at his departure. A year later, the aviator disappeared over the Atlantic; and Consuelo, still devastated by her loss, wrote "The Tale of the Rose," as a memoir of the life she shared with Antoine. She sealed the manuscript away in a trunk at her home, which only came to light after her death in 1979.

Consuelo Suncín Sandoval, Comtesse Antoine de Saint Exupéry had a prestigious French name, but today her artistic personality deserves to be recognized. She was also a painter and a sculptor, and that legacy as well as her writings are full of the colours and the violence of that Salvadorean land she loved more than anything else.

I sometimes wonder how is it that we don't hear about love stories like this anymore. We're always so immersed in the daily routine of going to work, making money, paying the mortgage, and planning for the future. I feel we're more like denying a future for ourselves... by living the life everyone is living with no possibilities of shining or failing. Maybe by allowing us to fail we can shine after... just as Consuelo did. She was twice a widow, always refusing to settle, and yet so many years after her death, she's getting the recognition as the great woman who loved a famous writer.

Biographical notes taken from the Mme de Saint-Exupéry's official site.

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The peepshow parlour

Sometimes I wonder if we're witnessing the gentrification of the peepshow parlour. At least in Montreal, it seems this is no longer a dirty venue exclusive to old pervies seeking some instant gratification with visual entertainment...

I used to work in the Plateau, a trendy neighbourhood in Montreal, where peepshow parlours seem to have existed forever. The streets are always crowded there, even in the wee hours of the night, and people stroll at ease and pass by the sleazy venues like if they were GAP stores. Funny that I worked at two different places on the Plateau, and on both ocassions, I had a peepshow parlour only about half a block away. So, in my comings and goings, I usually spotted people going in and out of the parlours, and interestingly enough, most looked like regular people, they looked respectable, and by no means sleazy or weird. I could also spot college students visiting the venues, and not just guys, but girls too. And of course, the ubiquitous tourists trying to explore the red-light district that Montreal is so famous for.

Once, I needed some change for parking, and instead of risking getting a ticket for going farther, I ventured into the parlour to get the coins. The place looked clean, and nobody seemed to notice that I was a female, and unaccompanied for that matter. There was no security in sight and the girl in the booth greeted me with a friendly smile and pointed me to the change machine. Hmm, I thought, this is not exactly what I had in mind.

One day, I get an interesting offer... This friend of mine wants to celebrate his birthday in style, so he tells me that he'd really like to take me to a peepshow parlour. I know I shouldn't get surprised anymore with the ideas people that people come up with; in fact, I'm always elated to hear what people have truly in their heads, and I find it estimulating to be provoked in a civil way. At the same time, it's interesting to see how you find different attitudes in different parts of the world. There's even "scientific" research about peepshow parlours in California, where the hypothesis is that neighbourhoods surrounding this type of establishments experience a decline in property values, and increases crime rates, especially of the sex-related type. Frankly, these days, you can prove anything you want by choosing the right methodology, variables and data; and I say this because a property in the Plateau is basically considered prime real estate, not only for business, but for higher income households as well.

Now, contrast that with attitudes in Barcelona... there you can actually have live peepshows with booths surrounding a stage where female and male sex workers perform intercourse live. Unfortunately, I've never even been in Barcelona, but as I understand it, the booths include paper towel dispensers for the convenience of patrons. Now, that's what I would call civility. I imagine this like going to the washroom in an airplane where you have those little signs urging you to clean up the area as a courtesy to the next person.

So, to continue with my little story, my friend tells me that he's been visiting those places for as long as he can remember. He asured me that they were very clean, and that you can go into a small room, which usually has two TVs, one on top of the other. The bottom one, plays a choice of movies, and the top one gives you a preview for other movies, so that you may change in case you find something more interesting. In terms of privacy, my friend asured me that he's never had a problem, other than the ocassional knock on the door from another man who probably wanted some action. "Not for me," he said. I was extremely intrigued to say the least, and although things got derailed with this date for the usual reasons of schedule and work, I'm still hoping that I may have the chance to visit one of those places sometime, in good company, of course.

An just in case you wonder, now there are even organized guided tours with a focus on Montreal's peep show parlours. Gentrification it is...

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Movie: A History of Violence

This is a quintaessential Canadian movie, crafted by a Canadian, David Cronenberg, shot in small town Canada, but about an American subject...

"A History of Violence" trailer (2005)

Canadians are always looking South, always reflecting about American life, but with a palpable skepticism on the accepted "truths" down the border. We're so used to watch violent American movies where the hero needs tons of amunition to prevail, usually with the tacit consent of the audience that applauds every single exploit. Here however, Cronenberg intellingently presents us with the subtleties and the ambiguity underlying the psyche of those violent heroes.

You can read the entire plot of "A History of Violence" and still not spoil the experience. It is full of nuances and layers. The dialogue is as tight as it can be, no words needed in many cases, and only the ones needed are said. There aren't torrents of blood running, but the violence is gruesome, and the consequences look at us in the eye and expose us with our own reactions. Make no mistake, this looks like the Hollywood hero on the surface, but here, we're facing the complexity of violent heroes as we know them. The film also reveals our underlying morbid curiosity, and we're fed with those feelings so that we become engaged in the story, we know this is happening, and of course, nothing is as simple as it seems.

Interestingly enough, the film has so many layers that even the female audience can feel the allure of violence. The film makes the point with the initial love scene where she's playing the school girl and a dominant one on top of that. He is as tame as a man can be after so many years of marriage, and just lets her do what she wants. The second love scene is the total opposite... the same two characters, but this time with the alpha male exposed. He takes and asks no questions, she resists, he subdues, she surrenders. However, you can see the emotion evolving from the initial disgust and repulsion to a subjugation state that she's actually enjoying.

I cannot speak from experience, but I know women who have been raped, and even though I believe the act is despicable, I have experienced a certain pleasure by playing it a little rough with a man I trust. I have also exchanged notes with other women who saw the film, and they also admitted to the lusty effects of the scene. I can only bow to Cronenberg for tapping on the intricate feelings women may have when they experience violence. He starts with the typical scene where the woman plays the "entertainer" so typical in porn movies; but he's added a great deal by exploring the deep and hidden desires that women may have towards violence.

I will only post the link that shows the rape scene, and I warn you that you may find this scene deeply disturbing, and that it's definitely not suitable for minors.

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My métro ride

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry is the famous author of "Le Petit Prince"... and even though this is essentially a book for children, he makes some incredible statements about life and human nature: «On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux», or we cannot see well except with the heart, the essential is invisible to the eyes...

Every morning, I have this routine of getting ready to work, only that these days it's been altered a little bit due to the heavy snow and a bad cold that knocked me down completely for a couple of days. While in bed, my car got stock under a couple of feet of snow with no hopes of being able to put it on the road until the spring. So, I decided to let the car sit there in the backyard, I bought a bus pass and been taking the Métro (or subway) since.

When I get to the Métro station, I pick up a copy of the underground daily, and proceed to scan the news. This has been a renaissance for me in terms of gaining awareness of current events going on around the world. I admit... and I feel guilty for being so shallow as not to pay attention to the horror of the wars going on these days. So, my guilt feeds my curiosity for news, and I've been reading with more interest every day.

I get easily distracted though... when I get on, I look at the people around me. I like the feeling of being so close to others, and I love to see people's reactions to physical contact. It seems everyone enjoys getting on a packed wagon, and it's sweet to see people smiling, especially when you brush elbows with somebody really cute. This is fun, more so than when people spread apart trying to maximize their distance from everyone else. It makes me think that we all need a little bit of that human touch coming from strangers, I imagine the fantasies getting constructed in people's heads, and getting on the Métro is the perfect medium to engage in an exercise of heightened sensuality.

So, my ride takes about 30 minutes, and during that time, I read everything that I can on the latest calamity. I even read comments from ordinary people who are courageous enough to offer an opinion, and I say courageous because these days, it seems we have been getting into a cathatonic state when it comes to conflict. We abhor it, we do everything to avoid it and we run away if we ever encounter it. It's so much easier to have a good time, listen to your iPod while you ride to work, or simply read a book about fiction.

So, now I'm making an effort to offer an opinion, as poor as it may be, hoping that this will help me to develop a better sense of the events, trying to engage myself in what's happening while barely grasping the complexity of the world around me. So, I try, and I try hard... and I feel Saint-Exupéry was referring to me when he said «la vérité de demain se nourrit de l’erreur d’hier», a very elegant way of implying that we can only reach a truth if we learn from our past mistakes.

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Music: Si*Sé

Take a walk on NYC streets with Si*Sé and this smooth video about a butterfly and two women...

The tune is called "Mariposa". The theme's got some gay undertones that make it so alluring, and of course, the girls look beautiful together. Lead singer, Carol C (for Cardenas), is a NYC native, who grew up speaking Spanish at home. Her lyrics however, are not only in Spanish... she switches back and forth from English. This is a very interesting trend that I have noticed in places where cultures and languages mix and get fuzzy. Gotta love all that!

Si*Sé's music has been featured on Sex in the City, One Tree Hill, Six Feet Under, Project Runway, SVU, Road Rules and various tv commercials. They have shared the stage with artists such as David Byrne, Gotan Project, Cesaria Evora, James Brown, Cody Chestnut & The Roots, Norah Jones, Natacha Atlas and Kraftwerk.

1. Sometimes
2. The Truth
3. More Shine
4. A La Bahia
5. Amiga
6. Agua
7. Brazillion
8. Changes
9. Wanna Know
10. Mariposa En Havana
11. Karma
12. Noche Azul

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The busy engineer

How many times you have heard the expression "think out of the box" when you're trying to solve a problem. The term implies a childlike way of looking at things, but it's difficult to put aside years of trying not to think like a child...

The lawyer thing freaked me out a little, not to the point of getting scared because honest, I was tempted to go out with the two of them, but the situation wasn't right really. First, those two guys had been probably working their thing together for some time now, and any woman was just going to be the third-level person there. So, no thanks, whatever it is, I prefer it on an equal basis.

Still, the stars are on my side. My very last "real" date was on Halloween; I had gone out with some engineer... he was very nice and polite, we had a lot of things in common... So, interesting talking to someone who understands some of my own quirks. He used to play soccer too, and loves the sport, so big big big points for that. He was a good listener, I appreciated that, nice smile too. He told me he was from Vancouver, and that he'd been in Montreal for a few months, so he was trying to make new friends. We went out for a caffè latte in Little Italy, and things ended very amicable. To tell you the truth, I was a little surprised not to hear from him since.

So, yesterday, I received an email from him apologizing for not having been in contact, blah blah blah, he says he's on the West Coast visiting his parents for the holidays, but once he's back in Montreal, he'd like to meet again. He then mentioned something quite unusual... he said that he was awfully busy most of the time, and that he couldn't possibly entertain a normal relationship (like if I knew what normal was), but that if I didn't mind that maybe we could have a semi-casual permanent relationship.

Now, this I like... It's only the second time I get this type of proposition clearly spelled out and said up front, and I don't mind it at all... better to cut the crap right away. I suppose in the Halloween date, he was sort of testing the waters to see if I could handle that. I don't know about other people, but I've reached a point where I consider having a "normal" relationship is practically impossible. By the way, the first time I wasn't ready to accept the deal, but I've done some soul searching since, and if you think about it, it's not so bad of an idea.

We're all busy, too busy in fact, and we barely have time to conduct our own affairs between work engagements that are getting so demanding to the point that your life doesn't belong to you anymore. Then, you also have to take care of all the domestic stuff like laundry, food, cleaning, etc. So whatever time is left needs to be partitioned between sports, hobbies, friends, family, dating or relationships, and not necessarily in that order of priority. Not an easy task if you consider how difficult is scheduling things if you have to travel on top of that.

Maybe it's time that we start considering relationships or multiple dates more as a business relationship rather than an emotional one. At least, I've come to that conclusion, so I can take care of all my stuff without bringing someone completely into my life. After all, we never know how things are going to turn out, so might as well, keep it simple in the start and see how things develop. To make things short, I replied back asking him to get in touch when he's back in Montreal.

Hmm, really, this is quite cool... and if he's as nice as he seems to be, it might just work.

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Movie: Oedipo Mayor

Better known by its title in Spanish "Edipo Alcalde" (1996)

This is a rare movie by Colombian director Jorge Alí Triana, who doesn't have too many titles under his name, but knows how to bring the complexity of a Sophocles tragedy to the screen. I read the Greek tragedy when I was in school, but I found it somewhat heavy for my taste when I was a teenager. Of course, things change and there I was seating at a theatre in Montreal seeing this movie.

This time around, I was completely fascinated by the story, especially when it's transposed to a contemporary setting in the Colombian montainous Andes region amidst guerrilla factions, army colonels, drug lords, and local politicians; and who better to transform the story than the master of magical realism and Nobel prize laurate Gabriel García Márquez, who goes by the nickname of "Gabo" in Latin America.

The cinematography is strikingly beautiful in one of the earlier works of Rodrigo Prieto (Brokeback Mountain, Babel), and the cast is simply outstanding in their interpretation. As for the story, it seems everyone carries guns in that part of the world... even priests. Make no mistake, this is a violent movie, but the audience can feel the thrill in the pace moving to the love scene between Yocasta and Edipo, which leads to the inevitable tragedy.

Unfortunately, the film does not translate very well into English, where some of the scenes may feel too long. Still, it's a very interesting proposition that depicts nt events in the region so well that as to be seamlessly threaded in the Sophocles story.

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